There’s something hideously unfair about this “Heroing” business.
I mean, thanks to a Series of Unlikely and Confusing Events involving a pocket watch and an orbital laser guidance system I’m now somewhere in the region of seven feet tall, I can eat McTacos and lay in bed continuously for a decade and still look like I’m from a body builder’s magazine, and I get a magic sword (Well, I say magic. As far as I’m concerned it’s magic. It appears when I want it to, it disappears when I don’t need it. The fact that the Regs say that it’s a Science weapon is just pointless. Unlike the sword, ah-ha) and the ability to use it. Hero. Designed to save the world from the scum of the universe.
Who can, apparently, beat me up by sneezing on me.
I mean, really. They’re DEAD CORPSES. Well, walking, whining, sneezing dead corpses, which probably goes against all the standard definitions of both death and corpse. But still, I’m a super hero. How the hell can they be almost killing me by sneezing on me?
I feel slightly better now. Time to break up this conference, rescue the hostages and sod off back home. Sooner I’m out of these stinking sewers the happier I’ll be.
I think I’m losing track here, so I thought I should start a diary so that I don’t lose anything about this really weird shit. Obviously all this stems from a couple of weeks ago with the hypnosis experiment and how badly it went. You’d have thought hypnosis accidents – if they resulted in any powers at all – would mean some kind of mind control. No, I get a whacking great sword and the muscles to use it. Plus the patterns. I’m spending a fortune in makeup so that nobody notices that Alex Rayne has the same distinctive markings as The Spiraling Shape does. Anyway, in case I show this to anyone: Had accident, Gained powers, came to Paragon City to find out what the hell I do next. It’s more or less the nexus for heroes in this dimension.
That isn’t the only reason, of course. I could have stayed in the sticks, been the top hero in a small town rather than the most insignificant in the big city. Of course, that would have rendered any ‘secret’ identity pointless, as in a small town everyone’s business is exactly that. No. I came secondarily to develop my powers, find out what causes this etc. and primarily to find out what the hell happened to my brother and his girlfriend. They eloped to here almost a year ago now, and nobody’s heard hide nor hair from them since.
Today I registered as Paragon’s newest Super Hero. I was assigned a quick clear-up job – some new drug means an entire block of the city is quarantine for a while – to keep back the hordes. These druggies were no match for my magic sword, obviously. I teamed up with another super hero – female, cute, prefers melee (as me) and uses some kind of dark magic thing for her defences – and we took out their base and enough of the druggies for the city to give us both a badge for it, then we went to our separate departments for initial assignment.
Initial assignment turns out to be zombies, mostly. A few gang wars, but some Frankensteinian fool is reanimating corpses. Not really too much trouble, though the Sword isn’t much defence against crossbows, right up until the point where I stumbled across a high level gathering in Galaxy and some kind of crazy kamikaze corpse kaboomed next to me, sending me into the hospital. Reached security clearance 4, though, so not bad for my first day.
This diary doesn’t have enough colour in it.
Nothing ever does.